Nobody understands and nobody ever will.

Nobody knows exactly how I feel.

People say they're so alone.

People say they have no friends.

People complain about it all the time.

But at least you're AROUND people!

At least you're ALLOWED to talk to people!

I am not allowed to have any social contact.

I am not allowed to even talk to waitresses.

I am not allowed to have any friends.

I am not allowed to get out of the house.

I go to an internet school.

I am around no people besides my parents all day.

I am alone.

It hurts.

I'd rather go to a public school and have no friends.

I'd be around people at least.

I'd be allowed to talk, express myself.

I understand why people complain, though, and they have a reason, too.

Sitting in a classroom...

Nobody in there likes you.

Nobody in there understands you.

They all make fun of you,

they all hurt your feelings and all that.

You're an outcast.

You don't fit in with anyone.

Nobody will be your friend.

It hurts.

Right?

Just be glad you're around people.

It's worse being alone all day with mental parents.

Like I am.

Suicide time is near.

Unless I get a friend.... somewhere.

Online friends just aren't the same.

And nobody can feel the same pain. :/

This is why I hate life, hate my parents, and I fucking hate the world!!

In 4th grade, my mom showed up one day after school and told me to turn my books in. We were going home and I was never going to go back. I never got to say goodbye to any of my friends or anything. We just... disappeared. My mom told me I didn't need friends. I didn't need to talk to people. So, she put me in the house and locked me up. No more friends. No more social contact. Just all alone.

A few months after that, we moved. We lived in a beautiful mansion - it was just wonderful. I guess we just... spent too much money on shit and we had just too many medical bills to pay off, and we just sortof went broke. So now we live in a completely white-trash home. It only has like 7 rooms in it and I have to sleep in the attic. The basement is solid mold, it smells like cat piss(not because of our cats, it was like this before), smells like pee, it's right next to two bars, it's right in front of a park, and so yeah. We do not have a yard - front or back, at all, and it's way over-priced for a piece of shit like this. There's no kids anywhere, and I hate it.

Soon after we moved, I started taking riding lessons. I met new friends there and it was great - I had a blast while it lasted. I bought a horse, and things were going good. I even got a boyfriend - at this time, I'm not sure if we're still together or not. But I'm pretty sure we're not. My mom was MAD. She still is. She didn't want me to have friends or even to talk to people.

So, in April, on Easter Sunday, we moved my horse  to another barn. I HATE IT! Purposely, she made sure there were no kids there, and that nobody came down there at night. She thought for sure this would stop my social contact. It didn't. I still went on dates, went to horse shows, hung out with the kids. Good summer. Thanks to my dad - he's the one that made it all possible. Over time though I guess it just got old. We all got in a fight and the only one I had left was my boyfriend and my horse... if my horse even counts.

Lately my mom changed BIG TIME. She was never really all right in the head, but still. All lately she's been waking up, complaining, beating on me, cussing me out 24/7, telling me all the reasons why I can't have friends and blah blah blah. The worst thing, though, she took Alex away from me. I'd hate to call it love... but all I know is that I loved him more than I loved my mom or dad - ever. I won't go into detail of what she did, I just can't stand to type it out all over again. I fucking hate her the worst for this, though. He was the only one who understood me. The only one who treated me nicely. The only one who showed me a good time. The only one to make me feel loved. The only one to ever make me feel better about life. The only one to make me feel like there wasn't anything bad in the world. And now he's just... gone. Out of my life. Thanks to my mom.

Now I'm all alone. Just sitting here. On my computer. All day. Being depressed. Worrying about things I can't list. Wanting to die. Getting beat. Getting cussed out every waking moment. Getting screamed at.

When things like that happen, I still get scared. My body turns numb, I start shaking, I try so hard not to cry as she'll get even madder, but I just can't stand not to. I always feel as if my mom is going to just kill me one day. To get me out of her life.

Although, I do I want to kill myself so bad. Just the thought of it excites me - it makes me happy.

I want to kill myself in front of a crowd of people. A huge crowd. I want my parents to watch. I want to be on the news. I want to be noticed for once in my life. I want to die in an extreme way. An amazing way. A mysterious way.

Emily was in my class this year - so I was really happy. So was Matt!! Yayyy!! lol

My teacher was HILARIOUS and so was this one kid named John in that class. So many good times... Not much to say here, but this had to be my most funnest year. I miss it.

Although, there was this retard. Since my First and Last name started with As, and both of his started with Bs, we /always/ had to sit next to eachother. He was in the retard class half the day and he stunk so bad!! OMG!!! HE STUNK SOOO BAD I COULD'VE SWORE I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT EVERY TIME HE RAISED HIS HAND OR EVEN MOVED!!! omgggg.... lmao it was horrible. He would always flirt with me, too, and talk about us having sex. Eww... lol and we were only in 3rd grade, he was pretty messed up.

Emily was not in my class this year, so I was really scared. It ended up, alright, though. I had the nicest teacher EVER this year. I don't think I'll ever have a nicer teacher. Mark was in my class this year! I was sooooo happy!

My two most memorable moments from this grade would be...

Every morning when we came in the classroom we would walk up to the board and answer some kind of question, usually by filling up a bar graph of some sort. Well one morning, Mark came in after me, and the question for that day was to fill in a space under your favorite cursive letters. From what I remember, the choices were: A, C, E, G, H, R, and Z. Well, I picked H, since that was the first letter of his last name. He looked at me, and then he took the marker from my hand and he put A as his favorite letter. A is the beginning of my last name. Coincidence? I think not, hehe.

My second memorable moment would be the time when Selina, Mark, Matt, and I were the only ones left in the lunchroom after lunch - you know, just finishing up eating. Well, Mark and Matt was about two tables away from us. So Selina and I were just sitting there eating and talking. We were just about to get up and throw our lunches away, when she asked me, whispering, "Hey, who do you like? I promise I won't tell anyone - and if you tell me, I'll tell you who I like." So, guess what I did? I told her. How stupid I was, hehe. So, I told her, Mark and Matt - and there they were - boy, was I dumb back then! Her face lit up with expression and she smiled, and replied back with, "You do!?" and so I just said yeah. Then, she yelled across the lunchroom, "Mark, Matt! Alison likes you!" So, there I was, completely embarrassed, when I saw one of them smiling and the other one just looked dumbfounded. I'm still not sure what to think about it up to this day... 

It was a pretty fun grade, though. A lot of good memories.

1st grade was really fun. Emily was in my class, too. So many fun memories. I loved this grade.

There was also another boy named Bransyn. At the time, I thought he was HOT. Even when I look back, he was hot, even though he was just a kid, lol. Major crush on him. One time, I told him I loved him, and he told me he hated me, so then I told him I hated him, and then he told me he loved me. Confusing. :/

This was when I had my first and only Birthday party. I had quite a lot of girls invited - it was really fun. I cry when I think back to those days.